Maybe it was while I was up at before the sun was rising…
Nursing my Elliot
Peeling ginger, Crushing cardamom pods and grinding down the cinnamon
All for the umpteenth time
For our morning chai
(For we surely know sleep deprivation these days
With one son with a tracheostomy in a real cold house with no central heating
And a 3 month old son still figuring out feedings)
We do need that chai
And I will do whatever it takes to have that ginger fresh inside
To soothe my tired bones and give me the boost I need.
Nursing my boy.
Making our chai.
That is what they are.
They are certain needs that I deem vital to my daily routine
That I set aside all things for.
No matter how many times before I have done them
No matter if other people are doing it
I know if we don’t have our chai, we suffer.
If my Elliot doesn’t get his milk, he suffers.
If I don’t wash that laundry, we all suffer.
So as I was internally objecting a “New Years Resolution”
Just because I am stubborn and didn’t want to join in the masses.
Just as I was thinking I would not do it…
I was peeling that ginger and thinking…
I sure do make a habit of this…
Morning and evening
We will not go without our tea.
And later that day, I was nursing my Elliot…
New Years’ Thoughts kept coming…
Lord, what do I need to change this year?
What do I need to do?
What is my “theme” for the year going to be?
It did not take long.
I needed to make a Habit of Trusting
A Habit of Trusting HIM
You may think, after looking at the last post and all that has happened this past year…
That I must trust Him in big ways.
But my husband…he sees the fear in my eyes when a bill comes
He heard the tension in my voice when the doctor said “your son is dying..within 2 months”
He saw me weak kneed, backing into a chair to find a place to sit, when the ENT told me Adam needed a tracheostomy … for maybe a year…maybe more
He knows those depths
And my Abba Father knows even greater depths
The depths where Trust wavers and fear reigns
And there have certainly been some big changes in the past few years, and He has given me the faith to Trust Him in each of those changes
But in the small occurrences throughout our day to day life…
In thoughts of the future and the how’s…
My Trust…it is so weak
Really, it is non existent
And yes, there is grace
Oh so much grace.
To uphold us
To be strong in our weakness
To remind us that it is all free
Freely given grace
And that I am to bathe in it daily
That Grace Giver, though, He is the God who stretched the Northern skies over empty space
And He holds the earth on nothing
And He is the same One who shedded His Holy Kingly garments and stretched flesh over
And became God-man
Fully God, Fully man
And He is the same God who stretched Himself out and poured blood, costly, on our behalf.
And that blood, it brought grace
That free grace that we are to rest in
And it was costly, oh so costly.
And He bought US with it.
So how should I not then trust Him, without wavering?
I must trust HIm wholeheartedly.
If I trust Him with all my heart
Then it will inevitably permeate into every other area as well.