I guess it was nearly midnight on Christmas Eve
Our little 3 foot tree’s lights were twinkling in the window’s reflection.
We were heading for bed
When thru the night’s darkness “there arose such a clatter”…
Not the St. Nicolas clatter we sing about though
At first I thought it was just another wedding reception…
The nerving music which often goes on LOUDLY until 4 or 5 in the morning
But it started to sound different
Distinct voices
Crying
Screaming out
Hadassah goes to the window and peers out into the night air
I join her and our eyes eventually focus on a throng of people
Flooding the entrance to the hospital emergency room
Bearded men pacing
Veiled woman collapsing and weeping
Little children bundled up, wandering about in confusion at the chaos
Hadassah and I look at one another and back out again
We have seen it before
Heard it before
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But, I guess, I expected it not to happen this night
Christmas Eve Night
For this is a night of peace and anticipation and celebration
We have twinkle lights twinkling
And a few scattered gifts from loved ones abroad waiting
And a new baby and a Hadassah to celebrate their first Christmas morning
So much beauty in this home
“Aren’t such nights intended to be void of heartbreak and sadness?”
I questioned Him.
“Aren’t you good, Abba?”
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“Its December 24th and these people are out there weeping at the loss of someone
And they do not know you”
Who “comfort all who mourn”
You, Who “bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes”
“Isn’t your law love and your gospel peace?” like that song says?
“Then why is there not love and peace out there tonight?”
“Are you even good, You King who is coming as a babe in flesh tomorrow morning?”
“Can I trust You when I see such heartache?”
The questions keep coming and I cannot quiet this heart
So quick to lose sight
So quick to forget
So quick to grumble
I forget all that He has done
At the sight of another suffering earthling
I forget that beneath my roof
Are at least 4 omer’s of His faithfulness
You know “omer”?
Like in exodus 16?
His people were commanded “let an omer of it be kept throughout your generations, so that they may see the bread with which I fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you out of the land of Egypt
An omer, to remember…
To remember He was faithful
How He fed them bread which fell upon their camps and caused them to say “what is it?”
For it was so mysterious in its provision and delicious in its taste
I have 4 of them
Not literally the jars of the coriander seed like manna…mind you…
But four lives…testimonies of His faithfulness to me
A humble, loving man who continues to hold up my hands when I am too tired
And who considers all a loss except Him above
And who leads our family with humility and courage
That is an omer, to remember His faithfulness
A girl who has been through hell and back and still sings
Who, through charred lips, sings lullabies over my boys
And who speaks truth and love to broken people every day
She is an omer
My baby boy, Elliot
Whose neck rolls and dimpled hands are a picture of contentment and provision
Whose constant laughter has brought me to taste new levels of joy
Whose safe pregnancy and delivery is praiseworthy in a nation with astronomical rates of maternal and infant mortality rates
He is an omer
My big boy, Adam
Who was basically born on death’s doorstep
But who has not only had sustaining grace redeem His life
But in the process, has been used by Abba to redeem many others
He is an omer
Four jars of manna He has given me
Yet, when I look out that window…
I fear and I doubt
I disregard my omer’s
I throw them out the window in frustration
And grumble
Just as those Israelites did
“the people of Israel
And in response to His provision, they rejoice…
And they sing and cry out “I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously…You have led in your steadfast love the people whom you have redeemed; you have guided them by your strength to your holy abode…”
Yet…not even a chapter later…”
Grumbling and moaning and questioning and threatening.
Even saying that to go back to Egypt would be nice
Back into bondage would be better for them
Better than to not have their meats and feasts in the desert
He had parted seas, yet they feared he could not feed them, His children.
I read it and smirk
I think how foolish they were
How ungrateful
Yet here am I, aware for 4 lives in front of me every day that exhibit His faithfulness
Then I look out and fear
I look out and am filled with disbelief
At the entrance to the hospital room, filled with mourners who don’t even KNOW
I grumble and I moan and I weep and I question
And I look out and into the future
And all that is needed
Daily needs, traveling around the world and back, operations, and it goes on and on
I grumble and I murmur and I doubt
Just like those Israelites
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But I guess that is the reason for the omer
It is a SYMBOL of rememberance
As if their Father KNEW they would forget
As if my Father KNOWS I will forget and I will grumble
So He stacks of omers.
And calls me to look at them when the doubts come
To see what He has already done thus far
And to trust in Him to continue working out each new detail and need ahead
And to trust Him to make Himself known on distant shores
And in hospital emergency rooms in the middle of nowhere India
It was appropriate, really
For this year, 2013, is a year to Trust HIM
To make a HABIT OF TRUSTING HIM
Not to boast in past times of great Trust
But to Trust in the daily, hourly events that come
For I can tell you about 2011, about how my Adam came in and how our Abba blew us all away
How He astounded us in His mercies on this child
And how He gave me strength to walk out in obedience some really difficult steps
But if I only live in past moments of Trust
And not keep walking out complete, wild Trust on a day to day basis
It is vain
“Forget the former things.
DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST
For BEHOLD
I am doing a NEW THING”
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So, this year, I want to walk at Trust day by day
Despite how many uncertainties lie ahead
Despite how many cries I hear from over crowded emergency rooms
Despite how many sicknesses threaten our household
Despite how many financial needs loom ahead
Despite how many sick come to our door in need
Despite my fears
Despite what He asks
I will choose to keep a habit of TRUST nearby
I will remember all that He has done
I will keep my gaze on Him
I will keep my omer’s close in my heart
I will praise Him for all that He has done
And I will TRUST Him for all that is to come
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He has given you a gift to tell of Him. You write like saints of old, like CS Lewis and Oswald and Paul himself.
What a blessing to call you a sister in Christ, to know your stories and pray for your precious 'omers.'
And then to think of those wailing people and know how much He has given me and kept me from. Hallelujah. Amen.