It is Saturday night and 4 precious souls from Asha Mission just left after a week of greatness here staying with us.
He reminded me of His great love for them and how He is surely weaving eternal glory into each of their little lives.
Though they have walked some hard roads in their young lives, He is at work and has brought them Himself in so many ways.
Goodness I love them.
All 4 of those little goober boys.
And I was aware that their presence could either instill great fear in me to raising 2 boys…or great joy and anticipation. It was certainly the latter.
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An amazing fish fry, cricket games, badminton, frisbee, bugs, hammock time, laughter, gardening, movies, and incessant creativity reminded me of what joy and adventure awaits me with Adam and his brother.
Also, they just loved on our little Adam so very well. We do miss them already!
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So I wrote this in my journal the night after my last blog entry.
He continues to work a process in this stubborn, often short- sighted heart of mine.
06.26.2012
In the background I hear Raja’s voice- weaving Hindi and English together testifying of His goodness and instructing His Word and Grace to young boys.
Oh! That their eyes might be opened to see and their ears to hear what you have done. Speak thru him of your grace filled love.
Open blind eyes to see You as you are.
And by my side, Adam is growing hungry as he eagerly gazes and grabs at the lights above.
Oh! Thank you for his life.
But…Oh! Today! It was a rough one.
Last night, I wrote for cyberspace to see,
“Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven”.
Today felt anything but that.
Four hours of sleep. The boys woke up wanting more than what is around them, as they were expecting grander experiences at “Jessica didi’ and Raja baya’s house”.
The first words to greet me were “when can we go to the mountains??”
The son is fussy.
The husband is tired and needing to get to work on time.
The tea boils over creating an odor and an invitation for MORE ants.
Dear woman and friend who comes daily to help for a few hours is full of questions and explanations by 7.
The heat and humidity is inviting a sweat in my swollen, pregnant body by 7 am.
It only continues with “dear woman and friend” rushing and breaking new kitchen dishes and me making lunch that is unsatisfying and not what it was intended to be. And of course, in melodramatic fashion, it then question my worth and purpose in this land of amazing cooks and curry makers.
The baby’s agitation is.
I start thinking I am not spending enough time in any one place.
With Adam, the boys, Hadassah, and the Holy One on high.
I can’t comfort Adam enough, I can’t exercise, I can’t cool off, and I can’t remove the odorous combination of garlic, excrement, and spit up that is coating my body because I have no time to shower!
Then bearded man shows up at door in a long white tunic, with a bag of raw meat that I was supposed to know was coming. His hindi grows faster and more impatient by the minute.
Husband calls to check in- impatience rings thru my voice tired,
Then the cell phone falls in urine filled toilet.
What glory and delight filled my soul.;)
But?
“on earth as it is in heaven”
That was my prayer, Lord.
Why does my day look as so? Surely that is not a depiction of heaven.
Then, You brought redemption thru my door.
She came just to hold Adam so my tired hands are free.
Hadassah walked in, peaceful and aglow.
In her scarred body that testifies to a pain unimaginable- hell walked thru on earth- but washed in the blood and walking in the Spirit with unquenchable joy.
Scars that speak not only of hardship but of a sovereign Lover and Savior who spared no expense for His own body to bear scars eternal so that she might be walking redeemed now.
I share my pain with her- inabilities and insecurities and exhaustion that are raging today. Gently, she listens, smiles, and reminds me of Truth.
Points out the lies I believe.
And the truth that sets them free.
Thru her suffering, she now can comfort me-
Despite the seeming vast chasm that separates the depths of pain we have both known.
My pain- Fear of not “measuring up”, tiredness, frustration with language, dissatisfied son, below par food made.
Her pain- constant stares at a body that was charred; difficulty turning her head to speak or even read, due to contractures and scars from her burns; unknown earthly citizenship; absence of family; the reminder of being sold; rejection.
Yet He does not measure us by those definitions.
He measures us as both having been lost.
Both unworthy.
Both found worthy thru His own death and new life.
One Lover and Savior binds us together as sisters.
One sacrifice gives us both the redemption and meaning we both long for.
And the same Word upholds both of us in each moment of each day of our vastly different lives.
The same inheritance stands for both of us.
The same thread weaves our lives together- in days of chaos, confusion, and irritability. And in days of feeling alone, confused, and limited by a body bearing scars as a constant reminder of past struggles and hardships.
The same blood washes.
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may experience grief”- so that your faith (of more weight than GOLD) may be refined, edified, strengthened, and so much more.
There is a purpose to it.
To the pain and chaos.
Grace now known.
Undeserved love received.
Our place taken by LOVE DIVINE.
Hadassah’s place taken.
My place taken.
Eternal perspective replaces temporary one.
All of a sudden.
All of a sudden
That crying, unsatisfied baby is now a beautiful child who reminds me of my own condition and adoption.
He is simply child who loves to be held and comforted closely by a parent’s arms, just as I do.
All of a sudden
Those 4 unsatisfied boys are 4 spirited little ones with imaginations running wild.
And I am reminded that they live in a concrete box in hot Delhi with 32 other children.
No green grass, no parks day to play, no mountains to gaze upon in the distance and long to climb into.
They want to explore and see, just as I do
All of a sudden
That unsuccessful meal is a chance for humility.
It is a reminder to me that my identity is not in how good the food I make is nor doe sit matter what others’ think of me- it is Him.
Him alone.
All of a sudden
The broken vessel by that dear woman who comes to help me each day…becomes a way for me to speak to one with blinded spiritual eyes of the insignificance of temporary things and the great value of eternal things.
All she had known before, in response to a broken glass or vessel was rebuke, anger, and discipline.
She had come to me with a trembling lip and tear filled eyes to tell me, and left with a reminder that in our home, she is loved, safe, and respected.
When she responds with “your heart is very ‘high’ very good”, I speak the truth that “no”, it is not.
But.
His is.
My heart was dirty and angry and probably would have gotten angry over a broken glass. But HE came in, washed it clean, redeemed me, and now His heart is in me.
And His heart is good.
So she could smile and nod and go about her day.
All of a sudden
That busted, urine soaked cell phone is now comic relief.
And all of a sudden
There is surely a way to give thanks in everything.
“The earth under your feet, the rain over your face upturned, the stars spinning all around you in brazen glory; this is for you, you.
These are for you- gifts.
These are for you- grace.
These are for you- God.
So count the ways He loves, a thousand more, never stop, that when you wake in the morning you cant help turn humbly to the east, unfold your hands to the heavens, and though you tremble and though you wonder, though the world is ugly, it is beautiful, and you can slow and you can trust and you can receive each moment as grace”
-ann voskamp
All of a sudden.
He reminds me.
“on earth as it is in heaven”
Is not a sterile prayer that does not understand earthly pain and frustrations.
It was spoken by One who knew more pain and disappointment than I could ever know. And it was spoken to us by the Redeemer of our souls.
The One who left glory land to come and live in man land.
To take our place.
And give our life hope.
He came to broken vessels, irritable people, and temporary pleasures to show us something greater.
That we may see that which is eternal.
That we may turn our eyes on Him and not on things of this earth.
That we may realize we are just pilgrims here.
That we may see how He lived in this pain-streaked world and how He brought a heavenly Kingdom into those around Him.
And that we may then long to do and see the same.
Heaven on earth was not sterile, rhythmic, and predictable (by man at least).
Heaven on earth came thru a baby in a feeding trough, to a virgin girl child, thru bloodied hands and a crown of thorns.
Surely, He would use the beautiful, peeling, charred lips of a young girl to remind me of grace and love eternal.
Just as He used bloodied, pierced, crucified hands to redeem the souls of man.
This is a moment of grace.
This is how He brings heaven to earth.
Jessica, this is so beautiful. I so identified with the language, cooking, insecurities, letting those things frustate me…when it is all opportunity for humbling, for seeing His grace displayed to us and in us, for remembering who we are as rescued and redeemed daughters. thanks for sharing your words and your life with us.
Tears of love fill my eyes and conviction grips my heart every time I read your beautiful posts, Jessica. The Holy Spirit is certainly guiding your thoughts and the words you type. They need to be read by the world. Sharing as I am able. I love your pictures, too! Blessings to you.
Jessica, thank you for being so vulnerable with your thoughts and struggles. i have had many similarly frustrating days where exhaustion threatens to take me down into negativity. thank you for the reminder to be thankful in all circumstances and to expand our perspective to see things how God sees them. praying for you and your boys! christina
Beautiful!