WE: Unformed

today

So we did have surgery today.

Basically, a third or so of his eye was exposed from the eyelid being pulled up by the skin grafts. This caused the previous ulcer to reopen. Not good. I think every eye doctor on duty today saw Adam. It was quite a hustled and stress filled morning.

Surgery was at 130 pm.

In the process, it was noted that the skin graft did not attach. It sloughed off and so that means that they will have to do a new graft in a few days. That was hard to hear. I know it is common and is a complication that may occur with skin grafts. But it had seemed so good the whole past week.

So today’s surgeries included filling in the corneal ulcer (with a glue type substance), rereleasing more skin above the eyelid, and stitching the eyelids shut. So as of now, Adam has a huge patch over half of his little face.

He is stable and fine since surgery.

We are staying in the hospital for 1 night then will go back to the family’s house tomorrow. Hopefully we will know tomorrow how much longer until surgeries can be redone to apply new skin to the area above the eyelids.

I cannot lie and say I handled everything really well today, as the mom. I was frustrated and emotional all throughout the day. But as I backed away from the situation, the reality is, Adam is an incredibly complicated case. What they are doing so far has been amazing and all the people who are laboring on his behalf are wonderful and we have so much to be grateful for. Adam continues to amaze us. He has such a personality in the midst of all of this.

I have so many thoughts and themes I want to share, but honestly I am just so tired. But I have been reflecting on many things lately. Blog to come is to be titled “I should be silenced”. I will let you contemplate why I say that. It has to do with one man in the Gospels who was silenced as a result of his disbelief. But as of now, I thought I would share from the blog I started a few months ago to chronicle out my scattered mind. So here is a bit from my thoughts in the past few weeks;) The original post is at http://soundsofthesun.wordpress.com

10 weeks.
How quickly they have come and gone.
Stretch marks are not here to mark his arrival.
There were not 9 months to prepare for his coming.
10 weeks ago our first born arrived.
And what a joy, what an incredible joy, he is!

I have not been able to write on here as much as I wanted.
For my heart and mind are full and my Spirit, His Spirit, is rejoicing within me!
You know how Mary stored it all inside of her heart?
I pray I can store it all there too. And that I can recall it all over the years.
For I could have never predicted this journey Raj and I have been on.
I have always longed to adopt. The children of India have really been on my heart since…well, I was 16 and read the words of Amy Carmichael.
As I have gotten to know children and the lack of families surrounding millions of them, I have longed to be used by our Abba Father to care for them.
But after marriage, Raj and I knew our focus needed to be Him and one another.
So thoughts of adoptions were merely whispered prayers and hopes for the future.
And I saw so much purpose in teaching nursing students and serving in many different ways than adoption.
So when Adam was born that humid October night.
When Adam was first seen that humid October night.
When Adam first cried that humid October night.
When Adam was left alone that humid October night.
God was at work that humid October night.
God was preparing us that humid October night.
God who “places the lonely in families”
Oh how He loves us!
Oh how He loves Adam!
Our home of 2 soon became 3 and we can look back and only fall on our knees in gratitude.
We look back and raise our Ebeneezer in worship and gratefulness.
Of His faithfulness.
He is good.
His mercy endureth forever.
He is Abba and He is Emmanuel.
He never forsakes.
I remember a question that hit me as we were in the process of adopting.
And we were told that Adam would not live.
No longer than a few weeks.
I remember asking “Can I raise a dying child?”
“Can I love him as my own and treasure each moment knowing he is dying?”
And I hear in my heart,
“You, too, are dying”.
“Raja, your beloved, he is dying.”
Yes, our Spirit’s will live. But this body, it is fading.
“Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day”
After all, didn’t Solomon tell us
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven, a time to be born and a time to die”
And “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of the Lord stands forever”
Yes, we are eternal beings. That I know. And in that I rejoice. We will one day see all things made new!
The idea that we are all dying is not some fatalistic idea.
Each year that passes, I see changes in my own body. We age and no man knows if he is guaranteed tomorrow.
Did I choose to not marry Raja because one day he may die before me?
No.
Do I love him or any of my family and friends less because of unavoidable death?
No.
I love them deeply in this moment.
Then why should I question loving, adopting, and caring for this precious boy because medicine says let him die?
There is no answer.
And one day, when other children enter our family, I should not look at them in a different way.
I love each of them, my husband, and all my loved ones with love from Heaven. Love one day at a time.
We do not know what tomorrow holds. I know this moment. I know Jesus. I know what love is. I know His word.
And, after all, “the word of the Lord endures forever”.
Flesh fades like grass, but the Word endures.
The Word will give me the strength I need to love Adam.
No matter what tomorrow holds.

Then how merciful of Jesus to show me a physical, tangible Hope, just after He walks me thru the struggle of considering the brevity Adam’s life may be.
I hear from a team of specialists that there is hope. Surgeries can be done. And Adam can have have a beautiful life ahead of him.
And as time passes, I see him grow and thrive and change.
I hear him cooing.
I watch his deep eyes watching me.
I feel his hand press against me.
I see him feel loved.

What if?
What if fear HAD conquered?
What if I said “no”.
What if He did not move in my heart to say “yes”?
What if I said that I could not love this little life because of what others say?
I would not have tasted of such love.
Raja and I would not have labored together on behalf of this precious life.
Raja and I and many others would not have been driven to our knees in pleading for so many doors to open along the way.
My praise filled prayer tonight:
“Thank you Abba. thank You for filling me with faith to walk this out.”
Amen.
So, in the questions you have.
Press into the one thing Eternal, the Word.
Flesh fades. He remains.

Comments

  1. Continuing to pray for Adam and you and Raja and of course the doctors that are being used of God.

    THank you for your precious Words that come from God's throne. They are deep and just the words that i need to read today!

  3. Jess every time I read the words you write His Holy Presence surrounds me, and sits right down next to me, and puts His arms around me, and fills me with His truth.
    God is getting so much glory thru your life and the life of your precious little one. TGBTG forever and ever. Thanks for writing this.