WE: Unformed

another day

Thank you to those of you who continue to read this. For we are surely still in just the beginning of Adam’s journey and treasure each of you on it with us. Truly.

I would like to request some specific prayer requests for Adam:
1. Most of you are aware of the fact that last week was another pretty big surgery which included major eyelid construction (again, yes…but needed) and skin grafts (the first grafts did not attach well and needed revision). So please pray that he can heal adequately from those surgeries.

2. His eyes are still bandaged up quite a bit. One of the things he had grown to love was lights and fireworks throughout the holidays. He really really loved it and that is how we would calm him each day when he got upset. Since his eyes are bandaged, he cannot see anything right now. PLEASE pray that the Lord will maintain his vision while his eyes are bandaged. With young children, it is very easy for them to lose vision very soon BUT they can also regain vision very quickly. So please pray that the Lord will sustain his vision

3. I have even been petitioning that His Abba Father would show little Adam visions of Himself and paint pictures for him beneath his surgically closed eyelids. Will you also?

4. That we can find new and creative ways to calm him as he gets frustrated with bandages, healing (and therefore, itchy) wounds, etc.

our new dear friend Savannah bidding Adam farewell. We love Savannah. She and Clay make us cool music mixes, love on Adam, and bring Adam and us treats on the regular. Plus they brighten long days in clinic!

5. That we would continue to find other ways to stimulate and trigger his growth and development despite limitations at the moment.

Just for clarification: internally, all is normal in Adam. They even did a 3D CT scan last week which confirmed many good reports from the past. His brain, heart, and other internal organs function normally. So, he is rapidly developing and maturing but getting frustrated with setbacks his body presents him with. Please petition that His Abba Father would hold him thru those moments and give him strength.

Thank you each of you

The following are pictures of our Friday night. For those of you who know me (Jessica) closely, you know Friday nights have always been…interesting nights…in my life. Social excitement and poise have never been my strength. Creative and sometimes awkward occurrences fill my Friday nights;) This past Friday was one to remember. We had to be creative with freezing weather, having our “little bird” with us, and hungry stomachs. Our dear Aunt Sally and Uncle Rob sent us a card with numerous gift cards a few weeks back. Applebee’s was one of them. So…we spent our Friday night getting coffee, driving around Raleigh/Durham until we finished our book on tape, searching for a Cracker Barrell to return the book on tape, then getting curbside Applebee’s. It was a creative and entertaining night for all 3!

Friday night skyline!

raja and his dinner
me and my dinner

Now onto some reflections (yes, I know this is getting long).

Just some thoughts I have been having. Convictions really.
What does my flesh wish?
My flesh wishes I had a high paying job that could cover all of Adam’s medical needs and not have to share such of depths of needs with so many.
But, “No”, Abba says. For His grace is sufficient and I would not have to press into that so deeply if I didnt know the depth of our need to care for Adam. And I would miss out on the joy of seeing His Body provide. And I would miss out on knowing so MANY of you who are a part of this.
My flesh wishes I could say we were able to buy a car to transport us around.
But, “No”, Abba says. For He is gracious and my dear Aunt Cathy and Uncle Pat have graciously lent us their car for months on end. He wants me to ask Him and admit my need, see Him provide, and let Aunt Cathy and Uncle Pat be a part of this journey of faith with Adam.
My flesh wishes I could say we had a house up here that you know, I just live in on my spare time, and its paid for and we (Raja and I) paid for it all on our own. 
But, “No”, Abba says. Instead, He is using the beautiful Senior family to host us during this time. They show us love and community and provision on end. 
My flesh wishes so many things…that I could list out for you and the masses all the ways me (Nurse Jessica) and my husband (Dr. Raja), were able to meet all our needs during this time.
But instead, He led us to a huge step of faith. One that led us from India to the US with nothing but a “Little Bird” and His Word with us. And He has amazed us with miracles from heaven. HE has provided beyond what we could ask or imagine. He has met alllll of our needs and more according to His glorious riches. And He has invited THOUSANDS, like you, to be a part of it. Oh, how He loves us.
So, the question is, why does my flesh want to say all of those things?
Why do I want to prove to you and everyone that I can meet my own needs?
I imagine it is the same thing that kept me from the embrace.
Embrace of grace.
So many years.
Fighting, working, doing, proving, that I could save myself.
Not wanting to stop and behold.
Him who paid it all.
Not wanting to stop and rest.
Today, I was reminded of that struggle.
I realize that even still I have a hard time resting in His finished work.
I have a hard time resting in the fact that He wants to provide for me and for you. 
Friend, do not think this permits laziness.
Yes, grace is freely given. So we better stop working for it.

Regarding earthly work, He does not permit laziness.
He calls us to be wise, frugal, and discerning. He rebuked the church in Thessaloniki, I believe it was, for ‘freeloading’ during a time they thought the end was near.

Paul wrote of seasons of being provided for by the Body and seasons of being a tentmaker.
 There are definitely seasons, I believe.

I have never wanted a season of months with my husband and son, freely receiving radical love from so many as we see our son provided for and physical healing come to his body.

Raj has one of the strongest work ethics I know. He loves medicine. I love nursing. We miss it. We want to boast in our earthly skills. But He has stripped us of that boasting during these months. We were used to 6 day work weeks in India and we are now spending hours on end in hospital waiting rooms, in an attic, and visiting friends and family. It is WEIRD let me tell you. It feels strange. I fought it for a while. I did not want to receive it and rest in it and walk it out. But He has told me
“be still and KNOW”
and 
“Rest”

As I was reflecting today, I read back over this that I wrote back in August of 2010.

As our ancient brother David said, “My soul finds rest in (Him) alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken…Find rest, O my soul, in (Him) alone; my hope comes from Him”.
Sometimes I wonder.
Did David believe this easily? That he could rest in Him alone?
Or did it take many seasons of pain and humbling experiences before the Sovereign Almighty One to learn it and then be able to testify to it?
REST.
Rest. For we are safe.
Rest. For He is our fortress.
Rest. For if we rest in Him, we can never be shaken.
Rest. For if our hope is in Him, our soul finds rest.
Oh! But oh! So quickly I neglect that simple word, “rest”.
Why? Because the needs are endless. They are seemingly infinite.
Yet our days? Counted they are.
And our breath? Fleeting it is.
And what was this same man’s prayer? To ‘teach us to number our days’. They are numbered!
So where is the balance?
Where is the balance for our fleeting breaths that are inhaled and exhaled from mortal bodies that ache to see freedom for those in captivity. Ache to see freedom and Truth in our counted days?
Where is the balance for the sights of suffering and need; seen from eyes that long for redemption from the captivity?
We search as we exhale fleeting breaths from mortal bodies; almost as if we were longing to be sacrificed for the infinite needs of this world.
Wait.
Woah there.
Wait a minute!
Why do we search and long to be sacrificed?
Who are we?
We are but a blade of grass. Here today and gone tomorrow.
But He.
But
HE.
But He remains throughout all generations.
HE ALONE is my Rock and my Salvation.
We need not search anymore.
For the breath of The Immortal One was stopped.
The Rock who became our Salvation.
The Rock was struck, so that we don’t have to strike ourselves or search anymore.
And the burdens of the infinite needs we see each day?
They were placed on shoulders Immortal.
And the captivity we long to see broken free?
The year of the Lord’s favor occurred and One Immortal was sent to proclaim freedom for captives.
A freedom proclamation!
It resonates throughout every corner of the earth and every age of mankind.
Do we hear it? Do I hear it? Or do I let it be muffled by my overwhelmed emotions? Do I intercede for His power and His freedom proclamation to burst through the bondages I see each day?
Bondages of poverty.
Bondages of sickness.
Bondages of depression.
Bondages of unfair labor.
Bondages of caste division.
Bondages of tribe division.
Bondages of blindness.
Or do I run on empty trying to unleash and free them myself? I regret to say many times I have done and do.
Yet, His mercy is new every morning. There is nothing new under the sun. Generations before have tried. Tried, you know, to release the burdens by their own strength and “goodness”. Many of them have not learned. They have not learned to lean not on their own understanding. It is true. For I have read their stories. Yet, some of them have learned. It’s true, I have read their words. Balm for the soul their stories are.
And I am learning. We are learning. Through Him and in Him and by Him. We are learning.
To call on Him. And trust in Him to undo the heavy burdens.
And then what do I do?
Rest.
Yes this life is temporary, and yes I am a bondservant to my King, and yes I want to pour my life out like a drink offering, like an ancient brother of mine once said.
So what is the balance?                                                                                                                     
  Or, Who is the balance?
Grace.                                                                                                                                                   
       His grace.
That is what I must weigh everything upon.
Because…
I must never forget the Rest that is mine.
Because of Him.
The freedom that is theirs.
Because of Him.
The cries that have been heard.
By Him.
The sacrifice that was paid.
By Him.
I do not have to pay.
I am called to rest.
To “strive to enter the rest”
My plea today:                                                                                                                                 
  To rest all.
On Grace.

Comments

  1. Thank you for keeping on writing! Your blog encourages me every day to consider how I might rejoice more in the Lord in every circumstance of life. I knew Raja briefly (2 days?) in 2007. Will keep praying for you guys. Sue Lynn.

  3. Hi Jessica, I enjoyed your post. Rest is one of those very difficult things for me as well, but I am learning, especially as I am still home recovering from surgery right now. I have to tell you a funny story. A few months ago, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I would awaken in the middle of the night. While this used to be very frustrating for me, this season of night waking was different. I was called to pray, so that is what I did. I would pray for whatever need and persons were laid on my heart and then fall back to sleep. I was at peace with this wakeful time. But one night, I specifically felt the need to get up and write down my thoughts in my journal. I was restless, irritable, fitful. So, in obedience, I got up and pulled out my journal and sat down o write whatever it seemed the Lord was impressing on my heart. Here is what it was…."be still and KNOW that I AM God. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end…rest in me!". That's it sum and total. I sat there a few more minutes, alone in the middle of the night. Waiting, in pain, and then, it hit me. And I smiled….and it was kind of humorous to me that he got me up, out of bed, to get my attention, then told me to rest! He had it! I could go back to sleep! Isn't he glorious?

    Melanie Hayes