WE: Unformed

Lover of the light

When you see a baby born with eyes that cannot close
You realize all the intricate detail and necessity of each part of these earthly bodies
When that baby becomes your son

And your son does not have eyelids
You realize that the life of a baby is a life of a person
And you KNOW it is from the very beginning
All the debates and protests and movements lose their meaning
Because you see that at 8 weeks of life, your baby was more than a fetus
He was a boy needing eyelids
And you don’t know why they did not appear
And you picture that little one, all tucked away, just a few centimeters long
But he is missing something we all take for granted
And you imagine him finishing out 40 weeks on the inside, with no eyelids
Then surviving 12 weeks on the outside, with no eyelids

And you worship a Creator who still let this baby boy breathe long enough to get HERE
And you praise Him even when you do not understand why unformed bodies are so…unformed

But you praise Him, because though the flesh was unformed, his life is radically beautiful
And you weep for all those that were deemed not babies at 8 weeks old
Because Adam, you know he was more than a fetus
He was a baby and he needed eyelids
On the same week gestation many others are deemed unwanted
And you realize life is so much more

It is so much more than a healthy, “normal”, planned baby
It is a created being
From the beginning
And that Creator, He is the One who can GIVE and can TAKE AWAY
Job, that suffering one, he said it too
Abba gives. Abba takes. Abba’s name be ever praised

Abba has a plan and a beautiful tapestry being woven
Our finite eyes, they cannot comprehend what is on the other side
What glory is being woven

And you see your big boy, the one that once had no eyelids…
You see him laughing and jumping in the presence of his little brother
You see him dancing in shadows
You see him loving the light
You know he is a lover of the light

I remember when they said it
An eye doctor was who said it
The one we scurried to week after week, complication after complication

In our hope, and their attempt, to make eyelids

“I think blindness is the best option for your son”
And I remember, this momma’s heart crumbled
We string sparkle lights up everywhere
In an effort to stimulate his little eyes as much as we can
And we pray and pray and pray 

Almost feeling defeat
Thinking it is impossible
It is all in vain
Why did we even try?
Was it a waste?

But, the thing is, we do not know
We are man
We can plan
We can create
We can operate
We can study

But there is One who gives and One who takes away
And His name is to be praised
There is One who opens the eyes to see this beauty around us
And He is the same One who opens the eyes of the heart
No other can do that

These bodies
That we label beautiful and healthy and formed
They are simply fleshly, walking tents 
Tents pitched for just the blink of an eye, really
Because that psalmist, David
He reminded us “our days may come to 70 years, or 80, if our strength endures”
Then, we fly away.
Our souls have a destination, and it is more than here
Our heart beats a refrain that cannot be sung in its fullness here
Not in these fleshly, walking tents
Not when we are meant for Glory and Communion with LOVE ETERNAL
We hear echoes of it, on this side 
But not in full
But we get snippets
And it silences us with its beauty

Like the beauty of seeing your boy, see.
When it seemed impossible for so long
When the doctor said blindness was the best 
You realized you were hoping in the wrong one
You were hoping in man
Your eyes were on man 
Not on the One Eternal
When that shifted, HE showed Himself faithful
He desired sight for your boy 
Because He desired glory for HIS NAME
When the most wise of the eye organ
Say blindness is best
The Author of Life says, “look to me”
I designed it
“I give and I take”
“Trust in ME”
And it all makes sense
If they would not have said that, man would be have been glorified
But now, you know
You just KNOW
It is ALL Him.
It is all this Creator God, Holy

That beauty of seeing your boy be a “lover of the light”

And the beauty of your other boy’s laugh
When he plays in shadows and light beams with his brother

One, “formed” in our eyes
One, “unformed” in our eyes
But they just DON’T EVEN SEE IT
They just see the light and they see each other
They just see light and hear the other’s laughter
And as of now, they do not see formed and unformed
They just see the light
And it pools around them in patches of glory

And they cannot help but bounce and chuckle and love one another
Because they see Light
And they know that it is good
And it is safe

They see each other in such beautiful hues
Because, hues, they can be altered by light right?
But how the light falls?
And if I know the Light
And I know He is love and His is good and He makes all things new
And He has a purpose for this world and all that

And I watch, and I want it too
I want to see others in a hue of glory
In a hue of His glory

Let us choose that today.
Let us choose life.
And let us choose the Light.
And let us remember to keep our eyes on Him.
No matter how dark or foreboding the days, diagnosis, or disease may seem.
He gives.
And dear one, He takes.
It is not for us to choose.
Rest, dear one. 
In that perfect, safe assurance.

Comments

  2. so beautifully written Jess! and i absolutely love all the pictures in this post. your boys have such a sweet relationship. praying for your family always!

  3. This is possibly your most beautiful post so far. I love all of them, but this takes my breath. I'm so glad God gave your boys eyes to see and a mommy brave enough to love him and share his story. I've come to love Adam through your words. Thanks for sharing your beautiful boy and his gorgeous little brother, too. They are so precious! 🙂