WE: Unformed

Oh elliot. I love you son.

This is a post I have been wanting to share for a while.
Let’s be honest.
I mean, that is what we all want anyways, right?
Yes, I believe so.
So I am going to be honest.
One thing I struggle with in real life and in cyber life;)
Is communicating and expressing my love for EACH of our boys.
I mean, my goodness, I have got the 2 most precious boys in the world.
And they are such sacred gifts.
Little souls, pulsing with blood, eager to grow and learn and see the world.
I have one who has had to fight to live against all odds
And I have one who has been a token of health and has hardly had to fight an ounce
But my, they are both such courageous beings
And neither one can be said to have had a tougher life
For each will have their own battles in years ahead that though I want to stop…
I will not be able to.
I have one who is adopted
And I have one who was born from my body.
But my, they are both same as flesh of my flesh.
Just like our adoption makes us His sons and daughters
My boys are just the same
They are flesh of my flesh, no matter what miracle happened to make them so
Whether it was the miracle of adoption or the miracle of childbirth 
I have one who requires a lot of attention that comes in the form of suctioning, changing ostomy bags, and hospital stays
And I have one who requires a lot of attention in the form of following after his quick speed, love for adventure, and tendency to overestimate an obstacle and get himself hurt
Each require attention and I consider every ounce of exhaustion that I feel 
A crown of glory
This thing called motherhood.
I never knew if I would taste of it, and if I did, in what form it would be
But, boy, am I glad He gave it to me
And, boy, am I glad that it looks so different than I could have ever fathomed.
And boy am I glad that I have two wildly different boys to mother
Because my own strength and my own attempt at mothering
Fail by 7am
And I am again a broken, messy mama
Clinging to the feet of One Whose ways are Higher
And the Father of all 
Picks me up and reminds me that
“I AM”
And gives me strength to stand
And I pray that He gives me wisdom to mother each boy as he is
And I pray for the discernment and grace to love each where they are
And I pray against comparison and envy 
And I pray for brotherhood and unity and incredible love
And today I am particularly grateful for little Elliot
He who came at just the right time
He whose time in my swollen abdomen was really simple as pie
He who came after a 7 hour labor
He who I walked out of the hospital with
Two hours after he was born, swaddled in my arms
This boy has been an adventure and yet an ease
Since day 1
I love him so.
He reminds me of a CS Lewis’ quote
“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again”
You know why?
Because his little life and the wonder he see all around him…
It causes me to want to read fairy tales all over again
Because he sees the magic and the wonder and the glory and His handiwork in all of the things that may threaten to grow monotonous over the years
He teaches me that it (the monotonous things) are in fact all glory and wonder 
And his wonder at it
Leads me to worship it’s Creator
And I thank his Creator for that.
 
And these days he is reminding me of how to behold
‘How so?’ you may ask.
Well he teaches me how to stop and behold all that is around us.

He teaches me the greatness of a plane soaring over head
In fact, he has me so enamored with plans these days
That even when he is not with me, if I see a plane, I immediately look up
Or run outside to see it
And I think of him and want to show it to him
Because that little smile will sneak onto his little face
And his whole face will light up at the sight
And I want to have that sense too
I want to be in awe of the miracle of a tube of metal flying across a periwinkle sky

He teaches me that walking barefoot at a rest area (with his barefoot dad)
Is freedom and that it can be seen as glorious
And a setting sun behind him can make a rest stop off of I-10 just as radiant 
As a setting sun over Santorini

He shows me that lights and colors and Glory are all around for the taking

He sees the tiniest bird fluttering in the distance

And he stops whatever he is doing to see it
Behold it
Sit in awe of it
Point at it
Declare it to all those around him
And follow it until it passes over the horizon

He shows hurt and concern on his little face when his brother is upset
And I think of his middle name ‘Justice’ and wonder how these young years…
Having a brother with so many different needs than the norm
Will affect his view of justice
And maybe it won’t, I sure do not want ANY expectations on him
And maybe it will
But anything, I pray it points his little mind to something Higher and Truer than the pain he sees in this world

My boy elliot justice
I love you so.
I cannot believe a year has passed.

Know you are so very loved.
Those long lashes, those sweat droplets on that little nose

And that wondrous, courageous spirit

I love you little guy.
I am so thankful for you.
We are about to return to India 
I know it will be another transition for you.

You have been patient through a lot this summer.

Know that we understand it is not easy
And we pray He supernaturally enabled you and filled you with joy as you walked thru it with us

Comments

  5. Jessica, thank you for sharing your love of our Father, your trust and faith in Him and your beautiful boys,
    sweet husband and most of all you. A beautiful woman of Christ, one that I have watched grow up in our church family and now in you own family. May you continue to share God's love and blessings with all that you meet. We love you all
    Cyndi Morphew