Thoughts from my wandering heart

I scribbled these lyrics from Josh Garrels last week in the hospital room with Adam.

“learn this lesson well my friend. 
There’s a time to rejoice & lament. 
Every season will find an end. 
All will fade & be made new again. 
Spirit illumines the dark like a fire… 
Revealing the way that was hidden but is HIGHER. 
Now we must travel on the wings that will never grow tired 
Of searching the mysteries of God” 

I remember when I was listening to this song, I was pinned down by Adam.
He was leaning against me and would not lay in the hospital bed.
It was a few hours post op and he was uncomfortable.
Raja held him all thru the night then I was holding him the next morning.
There was a lot of pain
And it was a bloody hold
I did not know this, but cleft palate surgeries are a bit messy post operatively
Honestly, Adam looked like he had been beat up down a dark alley
He was a mess, the poor guy
And leaning against me, I was a hot mess too;)

So there I was, pinned down
With a full bladder too
And I was bloody and tired too
So, comfort was not pulsating thru me in that moment

But I know what was pulsating
Something Holy
I realized, I was pinned down by something Holy
As I was pinned down by my Adam

I could not escape it and I could not move
I had to sit
I had to hold
I had to let him bleed on me
I had to offer what comfort I could
I had to rock him in that chair
And I had to sort thru thoughts in my wandering heart and mind

My restless heart that so often things she knows of His mysteries
My mind that thinks it knows His depths
My plans that think they know how to best serve Him and know Him

That heart, that mind, and those plans…
They are quieted and silenced

They are pinned down by holiness

Our Father has used Adam to open my eyes and my heart
My eyes have been opened to new galaxies of His mysteries
My heart has been opened to depths of understanding

For those of you who have known me (Jess) for a while
You know of my longing to be in India
It was a longing planted by His hands, Holy
It was watered
And it many ways, He brought forth fruit in that desire

There were seasons of learning to be still
And there have been seasons of going
But in this new season
I have learned how 
“to be still”
is 
“to go”

There have been seasons of loving many
I have lived with some of the most beautiful treasures on earth

I have longed to bring more into our family

I have longed for the many 
But in this new season
I have learned 
Of how to love ONE
Is to love MANY

I have been surrounded by a sea of children in need
I have wrestled with how to feed the masses
I have ached to see the trafficked freed
I have longed to see the lost girls found

I have searched for ways to be a part of finding them
I have lost sleep and uttered prayers seemingly unanswered on their behalf

I have studied and researched and been educated in a way to head in their direction
But in the process, my vision blurred a bit
And it was easy for me to see my role in freeing them as the only way
Instead of seeing a Holy One who was pierced and took our captivity of sin
So we could go free
So in this season, I am seeing
How NUMBers NUMB
But ONE awakens

Oh my dear Adam and Elliot

           

How I rejoice in Him for both of your lives

How I thank Him for showing me
“to be still”
is 
“to go”
How 
to love one 
Is
to love many
How
NUMBers NUMB
But
One awakens

Sweet boys, our Father is teaching me so much
And I rejoice
That “in his heart a man makes his plans but the Lord directs his steps”

I am thankful for that bloody night 
In that rocking chair
With a full bladder
In a dark hospital room

I am thankful for being pinned by the Holy
So I could stripped more of me

I am thankful for how He is teaching me
That the mundane is really the glorious adventure